So, a few years back, I decided I wasn't young enough on the inside and wanted to carve a pumpkin. I'd done this before, poorly. I always ended up tossing the pumpkin out of a second-story window and being satisfied that I'd done my part in contributing to Halloween Anarchy. What made this time different? I have a husband who knows how to do stuff and he gives encouragement! Hooray for positive reinforcement! Alright, lets reminisce together and show you the time I actually successfully carved a pumpkin.
Here's the pattern. I was supposed to print it out and tape it to the pumpkin but I'm a rebel without a printer so I just used a white piece of paper. Okay okay, I used like 8 sheets of paper before I got it right. Did I tell you that I can't draw either?
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This pumpkin was about twice the size of my head. That's a totally accurate, scientific measurement. I figured the paper would hold up against my caveman hands and wet, pumpkin-y insides. Yep.
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Don't do what I did and do this in the living room on the carpet. That TV table collapsed twice and my butt fell asleep from sitting cross-legged. Oh yeah, make sure your knives are sharp or better yet, get one of those kid's pumpkin carving sets, they're cheap and you aren't going to use them for anything else.
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This was the fun part, getting to dig around inside the squash. It was really hard to try to dig out with just my fingernails so I ended up getting a spoon and scraping the insides out. I don't know what this could be good practice for. Taxidermy? Nevermind, that's gross. Hey look! Hockey on TV!!
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Save these. Put'em in a colander or sieve and run them under cold water, pressing them against the side to separate all the gooey shit from the seeds. Toss the clean seeds on a baking sheet and throw that shit in the oven at 200 degrees for, I don't know, I forgot they were in there and was lucky I didn't burn the apartment down. At this time, take a short break and give your hands a rest because they are about to get fucked.
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Seriously, I spent the last two periods of the hockey game poking holes in that pumpkin. I wanted to give up, especially because we lived on the second floor and I had a reputation to uphold but my husband told me I could do it and he's usually right so I kept going.
NO MORE HOLES PLEASE BABY JESUS
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Yeah, yeah I'm well aware we skipped a whole section. I can't find the pictures. Guess you're just gonna have to figure out how to stick a knife in the thing and follow the dotted pattern from youtube. As long as you aren't trying to cut large lines out quickly you'll do fine. I did. Look at that thing. It's beautiful in the way that ugly dogs are, like, "That's my thing, I made this thing and I approve, it looks mostly like what I meant it to." So I know it's a bit early for this kind of post but if stores are putting out candy I should be able to get away with a little pumpkin fun. Sorry I didn't cut off any fingers or anything climatic but there's always next year!
I got a little overboard with the success of the first pumpkin so I got another one. I'm glad I stopped at this one because at $12 a pop, art isn't cheap. I look back and I like them, the pictures are kind of neat but really what I remember is "I spent $24 on a carving of a storm trooper and a deer that is only going to rot away...This is nearly as bittersweet as it gets and I paid for it." The worst part was that no one really got to enjoy them but us. Kids don't even smash them like they used to. I was looking forward to coming out the morning after Halloween to find my little experiment smeared all over the parking lot. It was the first time I'd had a pumpkin worth displaying and no one even bothered to smash it!
I'll probably do another one maybe this year and do a post on that closer to the real holiday, it was a cool thing to do even if it did take forever, hurt the hands and only last a few days. I like getting flowers, don't I?
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